


Dull angel eyes and a smile

by Pocketkaito



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash Lynx Lives, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Gunshot Wounds, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Ash Lynx
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24833077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pocketkaito/pseuds/Pocketkaito
Summary: I'd do anything for Eiji, but unfortunately he would do the same.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	1. Dull angel eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I absolutely adore Asheiji and want them to be happy too, but you know that I'm a sucker for angst so u know I had to do it

Lessons Japanese  
Silly conversations  
A comfortable silence...

I hear gunshots being fired, but I'm too late to react  
The only thing I hear is a scream and then a familiar figure jumping in front of me.  
All I hear is more screaming, but then... Silence again. The world crumbles and everything important to me disappears within seconds  
"Ash..." he stares at me with these big brown eyes.  
He's changed  
His beautiful eyes have changed, they're not any less beautiful, just different  
Innocent and sparkling when I first met him, it's what made him so interesting to me in the first place. That innocence is something I don't know. So I wanted to know what it's like.  
Now they're dull, they're eyes of someone that's seen too much. They're becoming just like mine, and he can't- they can't.  
They're eyes that say 'I'm tired.'   
They're eyes that say 'it's okay, it's over now.'  
"No!" I scream  
It's not okay, it's not over.  
You can't be tired, you still have to fight.   
I'm selfish...  
Oh so selfish. But please, stay.   
Even if it's for one more day.  
You can't go yet.  
I can't even move anymore  
I can't do anything anymore   
As I watch him, I study his face.  
I look in his eyes, they're dull, that sparkle that was there when I first met him is gone.  
I hold him, I hold him like he's the only thing left in this rotten world  
I hold him like nothing else matters.  
Because it doesn't, all that matters is him.  
It's always been him.  
He stares back at me and smiles.  
He smiles, but how could he smile in a place and situation like this.  
And there I go again, I'm selfish, oh so selfish. I have the audacity to smile back, but how could I not?   
When his smile is the brightest thing I've ever seen. It's full of innocence, unlike what his eyes have become, his smile is still the same. It's a smile of someone who enjoys life, a smile of someone who knows joy, a smile of someone filled with kindness.  
I want to smile like that, I'm trying. I really am, but nothing will ever compare to him, he's beautiful.

I never knew true happiness, till I met him, I'd forgotten what it was like to love, I'd forgotten how to smile. But he taught me, he showed me how to smile, he showed me how to love. So he can't go, I just want to be happy, is that really too much? I want to run, kill the bastards who did this, but I can't, I can't leave him. He'll die, and he just can't. "please Eiji stay with me." I say, it's not really directed to him, it's more like a statement, a statement only one person understands.  
He just keeps on smiling like an idiot, he just acts like everything's okay, but it isn't... nothing is.  
"I'm not going anywhere Ash."  
He opens his mouth to say even more. 

For a moment, just a split second I start getting selfish thoughts again. I want him to shut up, I don't want him to hurt me. But I don't say anything, instead I listen to him, he talks about us, about everything we've gone through. People are running and panicking all around us. I think they even caught the motherfuckers who did this to my Eiji. My? Since when was he mine, Eiji's no one's but his own, and he'll never be anyone's, 

I panic, I'm becoming just like them, I can't ever. I can never hurt Eiji like that. Please god, or whatever is up there forgive me. I don't believe in stupid things like god or fate, if there was a god, he'd have saved me already... right? Or maybe I deserve this, maybe I did something terribly wrong to deserve all this. But now's not the time to think about that. He's bleeding, I can see it in his eyes that he's in pain, they're more dull than ever, his smile looks forced too, he's bleeding, it won't stop, despite the fact that I'm doing everything I can and everyone else is too. 

Please, I just want him to get away from here, I don't want to hurt him any longer, he deserves much better. He deserves so much better than me, I should've been the one getting shot.  
"Ash" he whispers.  
"I'm here Eiji, I am, hey, please." I hesitate "stay with me, I know that I keep asking, but I don't want to lose you, I'm so scared of losing you Eiji."   
This isn't a time to be emotionally vulnerable, and I know it, but I can't put on a mask here, I want to be honest with him, I want him to trust me even more. 

He starts talking again "I'm right here Ash, and I'm not planning on leaving you." Before I realize it I'm crying, what the fuck am I doing? This isn't a time to be crying, it's really not, but I can't stop it, he makes me show my true colors, a little boy who just wants happiness, a little boy who cries himself to sleep, a small being in this big world, an insignificant individual. He makes me weak, he's my weakness but also my greatest strength, I'd go through hell and back for him and only him. He should be the one crying, not me. 

God I'm so fucking pathetic, he doesn't even look slightly concerned, he acts like it's just something like a scraped knee. It's not, he could die. I keep begging him to stay with me, instead of reassuring that everything will be fine, because I know he won't be, and if I actually put it into words, I'll lose it, and we both know it. 

Instead of me comforting him, he comforts me, he keeps saying how he'll be fine, how he's not going anywhere. And for once I feel safe, he melts into my arms while I stare into his eyes again, they're smaller, tired and dull, but they're still his, he's still here. I'm actually holding him, while I cry into his shoulder, he's really here talking to me, blood all over his clothes. My clothes are stained too, but I really can't bring myself to care. I can just buy new clothes, but I can't buy a new Eiji. 

His voice is starting to get raspy, I yell at some guys asking when the ambulance will arrive. No one says a thing, because no one knows anything. I can't even bring myself to get mad, not in front of him. His eyes, they're angel eyes, they're the most beautiful thing in the world, yet something I wish I'd never seen. He'd be better off had we not met. He doesn't belong here.   
He's sputtering, like there's something stuck in his throat, and there probably is, because moments later he's coughing up blood. 

I panic even more, he can't die on me, not now, not here, just not ever, not anywhere. "A-Ash" he sputters. I put one finger in front of his lips. A sign saying 'shut up, you'll only hurt yourself.' Instead of shutting up he pushes my hand away and smiles at me weakly. Meaning 'I know, but I don't care, I want to talk some more.' I know that arguing is useless, he's a stubborn idiot.  
"I love you." He looks at me once again and smiles. His eyes slowly becoming more dull. 

I stay silent for about ten seconds, I stare in his eyes for what seems like an eternity. I try to talk, but all that comes out is some weird raspy version of my voice. But I talk regardless "I-I love you too Eiji, so don't leave me. I love you so much and I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you had to love someone like me, you don't deserve this." I want to say more but stop mid sentence, because this time I feel Eiji's finger on my lips, meaning 'shut up you big idiot, that's not true, I love you and I'm okay with that, I'm okay with dying as long as you're here.'   
I'm no longer trying to hold back my tears, I'm just letting it all out, Eiji is tearing up too, his head laying on my chest, curled up like newborn baby. He looks so vulnerable, I want to help him, but I can't do anything, it frustrates me. I hate it, I hate myself, I hate everything. Eiji's hand slowly lowers to his own chest, his breathing slows, he looks at me one last time and closes his eyes with a smile. 

This is it, I've lost everything and I know it. I have no reason for living anymore, I have no reason to do anything anymore.

I'm not even crying anymore, I'm just numb. I just can't feel anything anymore. I'm not really in control of my own movements anymore, but on the other hand I'm hyper aware of everything happening. Bones and Alex caught and probably the guys who did this to Eiji as I heard gunshots earlier and they're covered in blood, they rush into the room as they realize what's going on, they don't say a word, but don't leave either. 

I gently press a kiss to Eiji's forhead, his body is still pressed against mine, I can't get myself to let him go. So I don't, I just sit on a dirty floor in some fucking house on the side of some abandoned road with the person I love the most dead in my arms. 

I must look pathethic, I'm supposed to be a cold blooded gang leader and I'm here crying over some Japanese boy that came into my life and disrupted my entire life in the best way possible.

After what seems a few minutes I can hear the ambulance arrive, but they're too late, he's dead, they can't do anything anymore, I know that all too well, but deep inside me there's something hoping to see Eiji tomorrow, alive and well in the hospital.

I don't want to let him go, I know that I'll have to at one point, but I don't want to. When ambulanciers rush inside and see me sitting there they tell me to get up and hand Eiji over, I don't listen. I don't want to. Even Bones and Alex are telling me to let him go, saying that I won't gain anything from staying there any longer. Instead I just hug him tighter, like a mother bear protecting her child. After arguing for a while they somehow get Eiji away from me, I can't even remember how, everything is a blur. I'm too tired to run after them, one of them asks me if I need help too. I just shake my head, knowing that I'll just get killed if I go with them. 

So I just sit there on the floor, covered in blood. I look to my left and see a note with strangely familiar words laying on the floor, it's covered in bloodstains, it's the Japanese I was learning earlier. 'さようなら' (sayonara), just a simple word, with a complex meaning. I clutch the note to my chest, as I realize that I never got to properly say goodbye to him. I'll never get to see those eyes again, those eyes that lit up whenever he saw something he didn't know, those eyes that saw too many horrible things, those eyes that became duller over the months, those eyes that peaked my interest. Those eyes that saved me and those eyes that will be the death of me

Goodbye Eiji  
Goodbye Angel eyes


	2. A smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda short cuz I wrote it at 5am on no sleep but take it. Next chapter will hopefully be longer.

17:48  
The estimated time of his death. He was already dead before being transported into the ambulance, I o knew this already, but there was something inside of me thinking there might have been a small chance of survival. The feeling is gone now, he's dead, I saw him dying, I saw his body. I could deny it all I want. But however I twist my thoughts, there's nothing that could prove against the fact that he's no longer here. 

I just sit in the waiting room in some police office close to the hospital they took Eiji to. I have no clue where I am and I truly do not care either. I've been in places like this many times. It's always the same, they ask something, I answer. They never believe anything I say, I can see it in their eyes. But they just nod and move on to the next question.

This time isn't any different, it's been two hours since everything transpired. I'm numb, my head hurts, I don't know whether it's from crying or from thinking so much. But right now I'm empty, my face is expressionless and I can't think about anything at all. All I can think about are a pair of brown eyes staring at me, slowly losing their sparkle. 

19:02  
I'm being questioned, even here I'm being doubted. I'm always the bad guy in other people's eyes, I'm always in the wrong. No matter what. I hate it, I despise it. I want to run away, their stupid fucking questions don't even make sense.

"Did you kill Okumura Eiji?"  
"Was Okumura Eiji an anime of yours?"  
I can't even bring myself to smile, instead I stare at them like they're a spider on my wall.   
They just smile back at me, they have the fucking audacity to smile and talk about him. 

I want to rip their stupid smiles off of their stupid faces. I hate them, I absolutely despise them. I can't talk about him right now. Why would they do this to me?  
Did I really do something wrong? Did I actually kill Eiji?

Before I realize it tears start streaming down my face, I only notice it when I taste a salty liquid in my mouth. The cops just stare at me as if I'm a total fucking idiot.   
Everything blurs, again. I can hear a familiar voice calling my name and then someone tugging on my arm, taking me away from that horrible place.

19:48  
It's been exactly two hours since his death. Max stares at me with a worried look on his face. He doesn't say anything, because he knows it won't do me any good, and he's right.  
Instead he just pulls me into a hug, it's a warm and reasuring hug, saying 'it's okay buddy, I'm here, I'll always be on your side. It's hard and I'll do my best to be here.'   
I can feel the kindness coming from him. But it doesn't feel right, I shouldn't be hugging the old man right now, I just want him, I just want Eiji's reasuring arms around me, I just want him to ruffle my hair while saying that it'll all be okay. I just want him to be here, that's all, am I that selfish? Am I that selfish for just wanting love?

Is this my punishment for being so selfish? 

20:03  
I walk home, or whatever home is. Home is only temporary, home is not somewhere. There is nowhere to feel home anymore.  
His eyes were home, they felt so new, yet so familiar. I loved those eyes, no that is wrong. I still love those eyes. It's just that I'll never see them ever again. I want to scream, I want to cry. But deep inside me something is holding me back. I just feel so empty.

20:35  
I finally arrived at my place, the first thing I do is lock myself up in my room. Away from all the bullshit, away from everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell that I miss them a lot and am really hurt and just projecting onto my favourite characters? Haha y e a

**Author's Note:**

> There defenitely will be a 2nd (happier) chapter to this and maybe more as I still have lots of ideas for this fic. I hope you enjoyed it :). And I'll probably also write an Eiji POV


End file.
